I know it won’t happen, but a girl can dream. We would meet for dinner on Monday, I’ll sleepover, and when you head to work on Tuesday, I’ll stay in your apartment and catch up on more sleep, and go suntanning in the morning/afternoon and watch tv until you’re done with work and then I’ll meet you and we’ll head out to a French restaurant for dinner…
i like tumblr, because it’s somewhere i can express my feelings, and now that i’ve taken it out from my facebook page, i can write what i honestly feel here without people i know finding out, and at the same time, there’s also a whole bunch of random people who will stumble upon my tumblr so in a way it’ll still be out there. it just feels good knowing might have read it.
and right now, i would like to share a story of a girl who met a boy. or rather, what the girl hopes she could say to the boy, but can’t. my very own l’esprit de l’escalier, if you will.
i wish i could have gotten to know you better before we jumped into things. i know you said you tried, and i know it’s a lie. i’ve been there, been lied to before, you’re the second boy to do the same thing. same shit, different asshole. so here i am, wishing we didn’t just jump into things just because you said the things i wanted to hear, and i, naively, believed you. because as much as i’m trying to convinced myself you tried, the ugly truth is, you changed the minute you got what you wanted. if we went on even a couple of weeks, i might have been more inclined to believe you… but no, everything became different the next day. i’ve always wanted to believe that girls and boys need not play games, so i’ve been honest from the start, and you agreed with me on that, and yet, you were lying straight to my face the whole time. so no, i don’t believe you tried. either that, or your urge was so strong you even lied to yourself. yeah, right. so, girls DO need to play games to keep the men interested, at least until they fall head over heels in love, and it will take awhile and i don’t forsee any whirlwind romances in my future, ever. i will have to play hard to get and build a fortress around my heart and make whoever-it-is unlucky enough to even be interested to prove to me he’s different. i’ve believed in the good side of people and each time they’ve let me down, and i’m tired of running to my friends. they’re awesome, i wouldn’t be able to cope without them, but i know it’s unfair to them. i’m always repeating this horrible cycle of dating emotionally unavailable men and i’m done.
i thought you were different. i know we didn’t know each other well enough but, i thought we could slowly build the relationship after we got together, because i liked you, and i took a leap of faith. but you put up these walls once we did. and i’m thinking back to our dating days, and we used to talk so much more when we saw each other. one question i’ve always wanted to ask you is: “what was your childhood like?” i imagined us staying up all night talking and whatnot, but it never happened.
i guess there were signs from the beginning, but i always gave you the benefit of the doubt. but, even my friends approved of you, and that was a big jump from my past experiences. usually when i start telling my friends about a guy, they would tell me to “TURN AROUND AND RUN, RIGHT NOW” almost immediately, but with you, they were like, “hey, he sounds pretty cool… he sounds different!” your “quirks” were judged to be pretty harmless. i have to admit, you played me well. but it’s evil. you were that good. but you made a 180 immediately after you reached your objective. IMMEDIATELY. damn.
you know what’s worse? guys always tell me they know that i’m the kind of girl to get into a serious relationship with, that i’m different from normal girls, and blah blah blah. and yet, you and those before you, continue to play your games with me. i’m a good, decent person, why can’t you find it in your conscience to leave me well alone and not damage me just because you’re looking for sex?
look for sex in clubs, sluts there are aplenty, i know coz’ i’ve heard stories and personal experiences from friends! so what is it with you men, that you have to hurt proper girls just to satisy your carnal pleasures. especially you, you with the good looks. you know you’ve got girls throwing themselves at you. it’s not like you couldn’t get booty, and you even told me about them! and that makes what you did even more unforgivable…
it’s silly, but even now i wish you “tried” harder (if you really meant that you did), that you gave us the opportunity to know each other better, and for me to be myself around you (i was so worried you wouldn’t like me for who i was, i kept my real self from you, and for that, i have some regrets too, since now i’m thinking, oh maybe things would be different if i wasn’t so afraid to be myself…). but it’s over.
i miss the times when we were still dating and spent hours just talking. we should have kept dating and talking. once we got together, all that went out the window. everything became awkward for so many reasons.
i’m not entirely blameless. i should’ve known better and i should have been myself. i shouldn’t have compromised myself just because i was trying to adjust to your expectations. but anyway, you treated me with disrespect so many times and i just shut up and took it, because i was raised that way, till i couldn’t take it anymore and finally bucked up and left. because honey, i do like you and wanted to make it work, but i could see, you were a lying douchebag.
i hate the fact you lied, and it’s something i can never forgive. the lying, from the start. the pretty words and sweet actions. you’d make a good actor. and karma? it doesn’t exist from what i’ve seen. so, good on you.